there's funny story about....
a lack of caring. Well I have tried really hard to care, But there's nothing to care about now.
You know who you are, you find a way to avoid my IM tools. Well, I can play a another little game. But I refuse. I will leave you be. I can't play anymore. I simply can't take the risk.
I shoot pool, darts and play poker, I can't pay my bills and I can't survive much longer, Funny how it works, we can't live life anymore. But remeber, there's nothing you can change. There is no way around the inevitable.
But you lost the one thing that was true. I was ready to accept the life that was supposed to me mine. so I will end mine. And let it go.
H
posted by Harry at Saturday, December 03, 2005
6 Comments:
I keep re-starting this post. First I was going to comment on you "losing" the one thing that was true. But I erased it. Then I was going to comment on how you can't change anything. But I erased that as well. You got mad at everyone a while back for not being supportive, which is the reason for my self-editing.
There are chapters in your life that must be closed. I know it is difficult, but you need to stop focusing on what has happened in the past, and concentrate on the future. And yes, you do have a future. You just need to create it. And you can. I know it.
Harry, we all want you to do well, and it causes us so much pain that we can't help. But the truth is we really can't. Whatever you are going through is yours alone to solve. There has been a lot of good advice posted here in the past, as well as in email. Please take a look at it, and keep in mind that everyone who posts or emails loves you. Maybe you can find something that will help you get it together again. It's what we all want.
micro
Sun Dec 04, 01:01:00 AM
I respect your talent for seeing thing more clearly than I. But you are wrong in this case. Now I could play dumb and Take it all in stride, but you simmply either son;t know whats going on or you know something I don't.
Both are possible. You are closer, and frankly, morele liekley to know what I don't.
Know what ? I don't care anymore. I can't chamge a thing, snd I've been hurt enough here for 3 or 4 people.
Pain hasa a funny way of eating into you.
Sorry, but she could have waited to see if I wend south or not. instead other things happened.
Now I play a bit of hard ball. I', the bastard for it, but you know that, I have facts. And I feel bad for side damage to those who hurt, but I'm not a really nice person. I play one nicely , but I'm not one.
So try and stay far from the schrapnel, I'm not great at aiming.
Sorry but it's all fact.
H
Sun Dec 04, 05:46:00 PM
The only talent I have is viewing the situation from the outside. I can look at what happened to two of my friends and draw my own conclusions. Suffice to say they are probably different than yours, especially on how to parcel out the blame. But it's all water under the bridge.
So you'll move on. Exactly how, none of us can say. All we can do is send you our love, hope for the best, and wish you well. If I was rich there would be more I would do, but unfortunately Powerball and Mega-Millions have been elusive.
Please remember, it's never too late to change. True, you can't change the past. But you can certainly change the future. You just need to take it one day at a time.
micro
Sun Dec 04, 11:27:00 PM
Well, like Micro I have re-started posts more times than I can count. Unlike Micro, I have never managed to actually post anything (that's partly a philosophy problem. Blogs are going to be the doom of civility... but at least we'll have a record of it.). I did e-mail Micro one of my attempts recently, to make sure I wasn't just out of line, since we were all globally being yelled at for not being supportive. He didn't tell me I am not crazy, so I never came back to post...
But now I am here again, and determined to actually hit the "publish" button.
I can't be inside your head... and I have always tried to not yell and not judge because I have always felt there needed to be someone you could just talk to.
But for a while now it's been time that I maybe I do actually say what I mean, instead of dancing the dance I dance with you -- a delicate balance of saying things and not pissing you off.
I can only assume by the posts that something happened with the one person that really stuck by you when the rest of us were powerless. I lost her as a friend, so I wouldn't know... But it is unfair you keep blaming her for moving on with her life, and for whatever happened to you. She tried. She tried really, really hard. Harder than I think I could have, in the same situation, and I've done a lot of crazy stuff in life. She couldn't keep going because she had to save herself, and I respect that. So should you. And because you haven't done what you must to get out of the place you are at, and no one can make you do that but yourself.
I love you dearly, and it hurts to read this stuff, and to get messages like I get, when I get them... Yet I see the guy I learned to love in almost all of them. It's all covered by bitterness and fright and resentfulness, but you're still there. Don't give me crap about not being nice. You can't help but being nice. It's who you are. You may have the ability to do mean things, sure, but that doesn't define you.
You have an amazing group of friends, Harry. We have watched, helped, offered more help, and stepped back when you needed space. And yes, we do have one advantage -- we are watching from the outside.
Pretty recently you got to a place where everything could have changed. The debt was pretty small, you had a job, and with a little help from some of us, you could have turned everything around. You blew it.
To make it, you must change one fundamental thing. In my opinion, you need to leave behind the bar, pool, poker lifestyle, at least for a while, and concentrate on making a new life for you. That world goes hand in hand with drinking and unwise choices, and it's the worst place in the world for you.
And you need to grow up. That doesn't mean not being fun, it doesn't mean not having fun, it just means being responsible for yourself, and making proper choices.
When you only have $100, don't go spending them in flowers, and lost causes, taking trips chasing down someone who knows she'd be going down the wrong path if she stuck around. Pay the damned phone bill and get some food instead.
I know it's not easy, and I know I don't know everything, but I know enough to know why you didn't make it work this last time around.
You HAVE to change your life to change your life. You cannot keep trying to fix the one you lead because it is a lifestyle that leads to nowhere, specially for someone with a condition like yours. You need a new way of thinking, a new way of doing things, to survive. Sex, drugs and rock n' Roll may be tons of fun, but it's driven you to destruction. So you need a new lifestyle.
Take pride in your job, or your knowledge. Learn how to do some things you don't like to do (for a while) until you can get to do what you want to do. Take pride in your friends and stop yelling at them (or is it us? I can't ever tell if I am included in the group yells). You are such a smart, intelligent person...
...and you have been dealt more shit than is fair for one person. But you must stop expecting everyone else to fix it. You have to realize that people don't hire anyone they can't get in touch with, and can't get to the job. I wouldn't. And you have to realize that you are, what? 42 now? and forget that load of crap that women in the mid 30's or 40's aren't fun (Yup, I was kind of offended by that...). That's exactly what you need, someone that will go hiking, and off-roading, who doesn't need to be stoned or drunk to have fun. Sure, there's plenty of girls in their 20s who are also that, but you're not going to find them in a bar.
You need people around you that are mature enough to have perspective and give you advice you can use, as you asked in this post. You are not going to find that with some girl who is too busy being so drunk or so high that she gets in situations you have to go save her from, dooming yourself in the process. You really couldn't afford that hospital visit, you know?
Love the planet, like you do. Sell the Rover; it eats gas, and it eats the little money you have. A while ago you could have kept it for fun, and gotten something else for daily running around, but noooooo... you just convinced yourself that it was the wrong thing to do. Well, it wasn't. You would have saved a couple thousand dollars and you would've gotten to your job, so you'd still have it. Heck, if you hjad spent the money in cab rides instead, you'd still have the job...
I have announced to everyone around me that "I may need to be on a plane to Boulder" tomorrow more times than I can count in the past few months... and you either told me not to come, or I thought all I was going to get done was to feed you for a couple of days and then life would go right back to where it was. And that hurts too much. And it wastes my time, and it wastes money that you could use to pay for your internet connection.
I offered to bring you here, to get you out of the mess for a few days, so we could talk. You bullshitted me with all kinds of stuff about the cats and the Rover and the chic. Well... whatever.
But Micro is wiser than I remember :-)
(oh, no, wait, he grew up too...)
He's right. We can't do anything at all. All we can do is listen, give advice, and send money, but there's a point where we will all stop and realize that you're still wasting it in poker games, so what the hell.
Or we can see a genuine change and send the money to get your bills paid and know that you are on your way to being the great human being you are. Until then, it's useless effort.
Well, I am either no longer your friend (in that you'll never speak to me again), or you'll know that I love you more than I love most people outside my own family (heck, you are part of my family... That explains this crazy pain in my chest right now...), and that I am pissed off at some shit you've done (or not done), and maybe you'll sit up and actually listen. I hope so.
It will only happen one day at a time, one wise decision at a time. I really hope you will, because I don't want to have to miss you more than I do now.
With all of my love, and every hope that you will know where I am coming from... and in freaking public (I can't believe I am doing this...),
A
(yup, just "a", cause everyone that matters will know who it is)
Wed Dec 07, 10:41:00 AM
a-
Very well said. I hope he reads it.
micro
Wed Dec 07, 11:13:00 PM
A...
has a Latinamerican accent, told Harry never to go back to the Phoenix where he would get screwed like she did, and went to many an Ingram Micro party at the science museum ages ago.
And now has to figure out who it is that is roaring... :-)
Mon Dec 12, 12:19:00 PM
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