Crash Band Boom

I was going to continue typing that ending line when my Cable modem crashed, and had to be replaced today by Comcast.

I was going to say I've done my share of helping people out of odd situation, but I've also been responsible for getting them there. So, there is no moral high ground I can stand on.

I'm me. I defy and deny claims I should be dead. I play close to the edge, and I upset people by the scores.

So after this post. the blog will probably die. I cannot not write about my life, and it hurts when I hold it in.

I have peers who sort of understand, but they all puut their eggs in one basket.

This is evolution in action.

My type of person , starting from my grandfather on, need not survive. It weakens the gene pool and goes about it's day doing so.

It's funny to me that Meth heads can live on, but someone who buys a legal substance cannot, but so be our values. When the question is why the answer isn't always money, it's addiction. So pick up a six pack and a carton of smokes, and have a hell of a good time.

But don't tell me what I should believe in. And for the record, I like my life even though I have massive toothaches, bills to pay, and a broken pinky finger, because I DID THAT .

Don't like it, then do what you have to do to get it held down on the ground til you can strangle it, but until then, life isn't a journey, it's an adventure, and if you do not relize that and have a checklist, more power to you.

I did not mean to imply I would hold information hostage about people. I just want you to think back at what you may have done. I would never "air out" anyone's dirty laundry, because I feel it would be the WRONG thing to do.

I open this forum to air out mine on the hopes of learning what is expected from me. That's my permission.

But do not ever expect me to put forth things I know without asking first.

I am, at best lost in a legal swamp, filled with dread and confusion. And I don't like it. But I have discovered one thing.....

You can't, or shouldn't fight the system.

My life is now in ruins, I helped someone and in return I get nothing, I tried to dull the pain, and in return I get stupidity, now I'm just trying very hard to stop myself from just giving up.

Noone returns my calls or emails, so I thank you for that. At least I know where I stand. but remember, someday, you might need me and I won't exist anymore.

I hate Koolaid and Ramen noodles, the cats hate generic food, but we will make it somewhere. But I'm not going to keep up communication, because I simply can't.

The DELL is screwed, the iBook dead and I owe the other mac to my stepfather who helped me through January.

Have a nice Vaelntines everyone, I'll have a beard and praying for good weather to sleep by the Boulder creek trail with two cats and a "pay as you go" cel phone, oh and a box of photos to remind me where I once was.

Cheers, Closing,

H

Comments...

Ok,

I've beem accused multiple times of not reading the comments on my blog.

I get an email for every comment. I read them , and then I roll them around for a while and think about them. Then if If I think a I have a non offensive, non reactionary answer, I answer.

From now on, you have to log your ID to comment. Not beacaus I don't want comments, but in many cases, I need to sideline the discussion with the person involved and not air out their dirty laundry.

Sorry, never wanted to do it this way, but I am growing weary of explaining I cannot justify my actions, nor those of those I love and care for. It just IS.

I never bailed on people I gave floor or bed space to, or work to, those when I had a show, or acted as complete racists, nor did I ever leave anyone stranded when motorcycles wiped out in the rian or cars stuck in snow. Pity is a funny word. Because I don't ask for that, I just ask for hrlp for the other living creatures I rescued from sure death. I can eat shit and grin through brown teeth, but they expect something and I am WELL aware of that.

Facts be facts, I waited til I knew I was safe to drive, but CO has a .06 BAC limit, and I went way overboard in their books. I didn't jump off a balcony or die, or rape a perfectly decent person. But that all happens here.

I've ruined my life. Know what ? I don't give two fucks if you care or not. But just remember that ONE fucking time I saved your ass. Because everyone who's got an agenda on my blog has had me do that. And I'd do it again in a second.

You want to play saints ? Go volunteer, myself I'm learning very quickly that when the legal system is ig High gear, it's all money. And I'm sick and tired of selling my possesions to show good faith, and be humble.

If I explained it all, you recoil lin shock, and yes, it's no fun whatsoever, but I've learned that you can stumble, but never fall. Because you get runover while crawling.

I have a broken finger from crashing my bike into a curb I didn't see in the dark, I do not eat anything but pasta, and my back is torqued by the same curb accident. I have to go to Breath tests everyday, and it's below freezing most of the time. I'm sure it will improve when spring comes, but for now it's either 5 mile walk or bike ride to the test center.

Someday, I'll be free of all this. From the system and the losses, but my animosity at this point is enough, that I, am not staying around to see it.

In 2 weeks I get to talk to a "service" that handles probation like mine, and based on that outcome, this channel will or will not go silent.

But that's OK. Barring a few years at the Big House in Vermont, this had been the best year in my life, so I have nothing to regret, but I'm not going back in the true big house, and I cannot keep doing this.

Every tiny penny I make goes into feeding the cats, themn me, then going to tests. I've sold over 225 CDs for pennies on the dollar I spent on them, I'm out of assets, I can't do this anymore, and furthermore, I don't really care to go on living this way.

I keep forgetting you don't love me no more...

I keep forgetting you don't want me more....

But I forget a lot of things.

Cheers, Register or Buh Bye.

Hairball the less than Magnificent.

I've done my share of

Serenity Take two and news

I got to see Serenity tonight.

McDonalds of all places rents DVDs for one dollar a night, and with a little pocket change I might be able to pay for it.

If you are a Firefly fan, it's great. If not, you probably won't get it which is too bad.

Anyone who wants to borrow my Firefly box set (Which Micro was nice enough to buy me) I'll lend. But I want it back.

Proabably the best Sci Fi I've seen in years, but then remember I liked Waterworld.......

Things here are going smoothly, but stupidly. I have to run through hoops everyday. I was told today if I do not make myself available to the legal system with a phone, at any time, I will be brreaching probation.

They do not seem to understand that by not having a real job and trying to pay for a cel phone, and no real means to travel, that is impossible, but I persevere.

Soon, I will falter, and then fail to meet a commitment, and violate my probation, there is really no other answer.

I spent my last 2 dollars yesterday , no wait day before, riding the bus to a breath test, so i HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NEXT TIME IT SNOWS.(Sorry keybord is still screwed up thanks to Roz and Iced Tea)

I sold all my YES cds today to make to testing. Now I have to figure out what to unload next. Books aren't selling well, if you are looking for anything old sci-fi / Fantasy let me know. Other wise they are getting dumpstered.

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but, well frankly it's all bad news.

Don't get tangled in the system. It sucks.

Cheers,


Harry

Enough is Enuf...

OK,

No more blogging about my DUI or jail time,

If you want to comment send me direct email at : hbrown@knowmads.com

I feel like hell putting what I have publicly, but I thought it was the right thing to do. Instead, it's turned into an ugly mess that makes many of us uncomfortable.

THAT was never the intent of me having a Blog. I realize it all that right now, but I know of no other easy way to communicate with all, without spending days on email.

Everyone knows my email as above, You got a persnal comment, send it there, we'll chat. Until then, this blog is going back to day to day stuff.

Savannah coughed up a huge hairball this morning on my blanket, then settled, and Roswell manages to find a reason to fight with the neibor's cat yet again.

He's part siamese and beautiful, I wish they would get along. But It's not to be,

zo

Harry

Serenity

The "Serenity" Movie (Joss Wheaton's "Firefly" movie) somehow slipped past everyone, and is now out on DVD. If anyone has a copy and would like to lend it to me I'd appreciate it.

I'd just buy it myself normally, but, well, I can't.

I appreciate everyone's comments, but they are getting a little harse, and frankly, have caused me more anxiety in a time I don't need it than neccessary. I'm sorry if I seem "snobbish" or stuck up" about it, but as somones mother used to say:"If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all. "

And get off the religious friggin bent on RR Dickie, what works for one person may not work for another. There is a simple theory in the addiction thing, and that is what works for you, to keep from it, then use it. Just because AA is known worldwide, and is the be all and stand by all standard, doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

I for one, can't tolerate parts of it, or I wouldn't be where I am today. Sitting in a room full of people waiting for a break to go smoke and drink more coffee doesn't work for me.

a. I don't smoke

b. I don't have a coffee addiction replacing my other addictions

Show me a church on a week night with a bunch of smokers outside, and I'll show you an AA meeting.

What works for one may not work for another. I didn't "fall of the wagon" because I had to, I did so because it worked at time. This "Holier than though" crap has got to stop before you'll ever see me listening to yet another tale of relapse. Now I'm facing the time, and looking at the way I'm getting the proverbial book thown at me, I'm going to suffer. Did all my nicely colored coins help me in any way ?

I couldn't even keep them in jail.

Bitter, ugly, and a jerk ? You bet I am, the whole thing is a disaster, likely to be the end of me.

I'm glad it works for some, so does religion, but you won't convince me just because it is popular. So does Windows over the Mac or Linux, but frankly, it sucks.

Use what you have to.... If it wasn't for my health, I'd be sipping a Gin and Tonic right now, but I simply can't. So that is what works for me. Yeah, I slipped (and fell) and for that I will pay, and may not be able to pay, and may just say "F^&*k it" but you know what ?

I refuse to be made part of a cult for a habit I developed on my own.

People have been kind, and people have been crass. Know what ? I hope you never have to go through what I did.

EOD

Harry

First, I don't know the information you were provided with, but they were Wine coolers, and Mark's girlfriends probably.

Yes, I should have just thrown them away, but I didn't.

There was booze, I could have thrown it away too.

Sorry, I blew it. It wasn't a concious effort as much as a primal reaction of an Alkie.

There's not a Ferlazzo on the planet that would come within 100 meters of me after what I did years ago.

Rallying isn't an answer, and neither are meetings if all you have is thoughts of drinking while you at at them, I'm very happy that you and dickie found the answer. I'm more stupid I think.

I'm working on it, but it's senseless if you do not believe in it.

I've eaten enough Mac N cheez and Ramen to kill a healthy individual, and I'm trying to distract myself as best as I can.

Don't like it ? I don't blame you. And there's piles of things I've done in my life that people do not like. All I can say is I'm trying.

I've found Rational Recovery meetings are easier to deal with , but I'm already in trouble because I can't afford to get there. Or to my BAC tests which are $3.00 a day. I'm selling as fast as I can.

My DVDs are down to 6, and my CDs are down to about 10 or 11.

You have welcome opinions, and I realize I'm being reactionary, but it's just that. I could tell you things I've done right, but it would fall on deaf ears.

Clarity is a hard concept for someone who has been in a fog all their life.

But I simply don't feel there's any sense to what I've done either, except I found it educational. There's a lot to learn in life, and you all have the answers. I don't.

I like to color outside the lines, sorry, but almost all my heroes are dead. But they all meant something. I don't like the real world, but I realize I have a responsibility to those who care.

I'll try and live up to it, but I told everyone years ago I didn't expect to make it this far, and I'm still in shock that I have.

I'm that person you can whisper about at gatherings. I never meant to hurt anyone, but I have. Sorry.


H

Smelly Cat

Ok first I want to apologize to anyone who felt swindled. (be forwarned I have a keyboard full of Iced Tea)

The cash went to foood and cat food, Maye 3.75 or so to a beer or drink.

The fines from jail cost a small fortune. Sorry. Want any of my hardware that's left or CD's claim em now.

I'mtrying very hard to be a good boy, but it's tough, I stare at the ceiling and wonder why bother.

Now, a lot of questions have been raised, so I'll try to address them.

1 - I didn'tspend any more than $5.00 on drinks.

2- yes I DID drink, I HAD to, you wouldn't understand unless you were in in my place. Sorry. Fell free to make judgements and postem. I know what I di was wrong, but life isn't real fair. I didn't take the approach I could have.

3 - I somehow missed looking at other peoples blogs. I'm sorry. I spent tonight / this morning catching up.Expecting someone to read your blog and then not reading theirs is unfair.

I'm a little concerned that Dano's has a comment from a guy that is so into Elisha Cuthbert, but hey what do I know ? I don't even have a TV.

Dickies is great, but the poo pix and story need to disappear. :) Who's the cat, he/she looks just like Svannah.

Anyway, I have snow and cold cats here, I have to run.

For those who care, I'm a decent Jedi now.

Doesn't mean shite, but it's a goal.

Nerf Herder