First, I don't know the information you were provided with, but they were Wine coolers, and Mark's girlfriends probably.
Yes, I should have just thrown them away, but I didn't.
There was booze, I could have thrown it away too.
Sorry, I blew it. It wasn't a concious effort as much as a primal reaction of an Alkie.
There's not a Ferlazzo on the planet that would come within 100 meters of me after what I did years ago.
Rallying isn't an answer, and neither are meetings if all you have is thoughts of drinking while you at at them, I'm very happy that you and dickie found the answer. I'm more stupid I think.
I'm working on it, but it's senseless if you do not believe in it.
I've eaten enough Mac N cheez and Ramen to kill a healthy individual, and I'm trying to distract myself as best as I can.
Don't like it ? I don't blame you. And there's piles of things I've done in my life that people do not like. All I can say is I'm trying.
I've found Rational Recovery meetings are easier to deal with , but I'm already in trouble because I can't afford to get there. Or to my BAC tests which are $3.00 a day. I'm selling as fast as I can.
My DVDs are down to 6, and my CDs are down to about 10 or 11.
You have welcome opinions, and I realize I'm being reactionary, but it's just that. I could tell you things I've done right, but it would fall on deaf ears.
Clarity is a hard concept for someone who has been in a fog all their life.
But I simply don't feel there's any sense to what I've done either, except I found it educational. There's a lot to learn in life, and you all have the answers. I don't.
I like to color outside the lines, sorry, but almost all my heroes are dead. But they all meant something. I don't like the real world, but I realize I have a responsibility to those who care.
I'll try and live up to it, but I told everyone years ago I didn't expect to make it this far, and I'm still in shock that I have.
I'm that person you can whisper about at gatherings. I never meant to hurt anyone, but I have. Sorry.
H
posted by Harry at Friday, January 06, 2006
2 Comments:
It's unfair to say that anything you say will fall on deaf ears. We (that small group of friends that have been there seemingly always) always do hear you. We may ignore you when we don't agree and can't bring ourselves to tell you, but we do hear you. So say what you must. It'd be nice to hear of the things that you've done right, actually.
Uhm, no, I don't have the answers, and I doubt anyone else does. We've just been better at making decisions, and owning up and fixing our mistakes. I suppose there is some wisdom there that you could learn from, but we can't make you.
You MUST believe in it; that's the thing. You have to go to those meetings and trust that at one point you will believe in what's going on. Because as much as well love you, and as much as we hurt with you and because of you, you would have to believe in us to pull through just the same, and the folks there are... well, there, where they can keep you company, and also know what the fog you live in is like. I have no idea, so they'll have better advice that way, I think, and it will be easier for you to trust them.
It'll be hard, I'm sure, but it's gotta be easier than the past few months...
- a
Mon Jan 09, 01:23:00 PM
for the uninitiated:
I posted this today a bit lower in the blog, but thought it may shed a bit of light, maybe not.
"And "I had to" is just so beneath an intelligent person... No, you didn't."
Actually yes he did, I went through a million 'I aint gonna drink this times' and failed every time. Drinking booze is the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do. Intelligence has nothing to do with the POWER booze has over real alkys. It is what we do. Nobody really knows what happened to me the last 6 months of my drinking (except my sponsor), lets just say it was a rapid decline from being a mess to completely fucked- I dont drink anymore because I have put work into building up a defense against that first drink (as there is NEVER 1 drink) and asked for help.
Rational recovery is a fucking oxymoron and CLEARLY it dosent work for a real alky. Telling the thoughts of a drink to 'go away because it is part of my lower intelligence' is a laughable. I tried it, I drank, and guess what, so did Harry. Frankly I am amazed he made it as long as he did (unless we aren't getting the whole story). People who go into AA do drink, but there is a strong correlation between going to AA and drinking and being an baby about AA. If you want to drink, than fucking drink. If not, do something about it that works. I have been away for some time because this I have kids and school and shit I have to focus on.
I dont need to worry about a 42 year old man on top of it. Harry is a big boy and can make his own calls, no matter how fucked up and twisted you may think they are. Actually I think this public forum of his impending demise is kinda sick. I'm willing to help him if he decides he wants it. I will check in periodically to keep updated.
Sorry if I sound like a hardon HB, but, BELIEVE ME, I spent many months hating AA, but the thought of a drink scared the shit out of me, so I hung in there and it got better.
Your call, dude.
Dickie
11:12 AM
Mon Jan 09, 03:32:00 PM
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