Ok I've seen em. Aliens that is. I'm telling you it's either that or the next evolutionary step, and it scares me..
Ok stick with me on this, I'm sure I'll tread on a few toes.
I've seen real live aliens. The kind you reach out and touch, and they usually say something like "excuse me can I help you...." or " Please stop doing that...." or in some odd cases, " Hey what's your sign, I bet you 're a [insert astrological sign here]".
Ok some background. I work at Barnes and Noble Bookstore (B&N) here in Boulder. And how a corporate bookstore survives in Boulder is a mystery to me, but that's another Blatherings post.... But I digress, right next to B&N is Whole Foods. Whole Foods is the big kahuna of natural food stores. Oh sure you have your Wild Oats, Wild Harvest and your Bread and Circus, but they don't even come close to the sheer magnitude of Whole Foods.
Now, before the flames start, I like Whole Foods. They power their stores with Wind, and we all know how much I like that, and they do have the best Smoothies in town... And they are next door to B&N and every once in a while a sales rep will wander into B&N and give us treats .This is all good. And now I have even more respect for their marketing, because clearly they have managed to reach into space and bring in alien customers....
Especially the clientle that eat at Whole Foods. they must be aliens. They look like aliens, they smell like (at least what I think) aliens smell like, and they act like aliens. (All except for the bursting out of the stomach birth ritual thing...) But mostly the eat food that looks alien.
Near as I can tell there must be a special spaceship parking lot on the roof.... That would explain the knocking and banging at the ungodly hour os 11:45 when we are still straightening books out and re shelving stuff left in odd places. Hey, it's not their fault. They are aliens, Our shelving methods are probably humorously primitive to them. I mean what race would really put child birth under health, is there is nothing that should be under horror or science fiction, that's it... Come on.
But as friendly as they seem, don't ever get too close to them when they eat. As if nuts berries and wheat grass juice are going to disappear in the next five minutes, I've never seen beings eat so voraciously, I mean talk about "keep your hands away from their mouth..." you're best to observe from a distance.
And the things they eat....and drink. I actually saw a woman (obviously a disguise) drinking a bottle of distilled water. Look, Distilled water is for batteries, it's for cleaning and sterilizing medical instruments, it's for keeping radiators working in tanks in the Iraqi desert, it is NOT for human consumption. Unless of course, you aren't human... And perhaps you have a battery/radiator/medical sterilizer in your digestive system....
And they are definitely reproducing, because all the female looking aliens appear to be pregnant, and all the male looking aliens look like deer in the headlights.
Someone, truly someone with a heart, who cares about these aliens, really needs to introduce them to Cosmo's Pizza, and perhaps a beer or two. Now I don't want to be responsible for drunk spaceship accidents, but it's for a good cause, perhaps the saving of an entire race. Here, no really, just have a buffalo wing...
But alas, I think in our never ending quest to estroy all thing beautiful in the universe, weve instead found a way to defeat this race of beautiful (well in a weird Calista Flockhart sort of way) race. See we have managed t introduce them to the cel phone. You'd think a supreme race would be smarter than that, but alas no. Stupid Brtiney Spears ring tones and endless hours talking to other earth based aliens (last I checked, even Sprint doesn't reach the outer rim of our galaxy) s they munch on rice cakes and tofu flavored tofu, they chatter like there was a Sigourney Weaver Spacesuits R'Us IPO happening tomorrow and they had to get their portfolios together.
So they can't leave, because the bill has to go somewhere and we haven't figured out how to get mail to the outer rim yet either. Maybe Bill Gates could work on
ReallyHotMail... Maybe we could send him personnaly to investigate..... For a long time....
Or perhaps this is all wrong, maybe instead of climbing up another rung in the evolutionary ladder, we've managed to climb sideways...
Maybe I'll cover that Next time in Blatherings...
hairball
